Weekly Diary : Week 50
18 May 2026 (Monday) : The Moment I Realized My Peace Was Over
Today, after my afternoon nap, I felt something familiar. That heavy, uncomfortable feeling which quietly creeps in before everything starts. I didn’t want to open my eyes. I just wanted to stay there for a few more minutes, wrapped inside my blanket, pretending nothing was wrong. But somewhere deep down, I already knew. My body felt strange and weak. As if even getting up from the bed was too much work. Still, I forced myself to sit up even though every part of me wanted to lie back down again.
The moment I stood up, I felt that familiar wetness and then came the mild pain in my abdomen. For one second, I tried to convince myself otherwise, “Maybe it’s just discharge.” I held onto that tiny hope while walking toward the washroom. But the moment I looked down, reality hit me immediately… Blood.
Ahhh… my periods started.
Honestly, the disappointment was instant. It felt like my entire mood dropped within seconds. Suddenly, I didn’t want to do anything anymore. I just wanted to curl up in bed and disappear for the rest of the day, at least for the next 5 days.
Sometimes I really wonder how unfair it feels. Every month, the same pain, the same tiredness, the same emotional crash. And during moments like this, the only thought that comes to my mind is, “Please, God… make me a guy in my next life.”
It sounds dramatic, but in that moment, it genuinely feels that way.
19 May 2026 (Tuesday) : A Night of Cramps, Cold Air, and One Good Message
Today was the second day of my periods. And somehow, it felt even worse than yesterday. I could not sleep the entire night. Every time my eyes closed, another wave of pain pulled me back awake. It honestly felt like someone was punching my uterus from inside. My lower back was hurting so badly that even lying down felt uncomfortable.
At one point, I opened my eyes painfully and looked at the phones beside me. I just wanted to know how much longer I had to survive before morning came. It was a big mistake. It was only 1:33 AM. The moment I saw the time, I badly wanted to curse myself. The night was not even halfway over yet. I kept trying to sleep again, but the cramps refused to let me rest. I changed my position again and again — left side, right side, flat on the bed, curled up — nothing helped. At that moment, I honestly thought: “I don’t even mind bleeding every month… but God, please have mercy on me and stop punishing me with these cramps.”
The pain felt endless. Sometimes it genuinely feels like my body is punishing me every month for not being pregnant. Maybe that thought sounds stupid, but pain makes strange thoughts feel real at night.
Finally, I gave up on sleeping. I slowly sat up and decided to get some fresh air from the balcony. But the moment my feet touched the floor, I realized how weak my whole lower body felt. It genuinely felt like I would collapse if I walked properly.
Still, I got up. I quietly moved forward while holding the wall for support. Step by step. The house was silent. Everyone else was asleep while I was fighting for my life against cramps at 1 in the morning.
The moment I reached the balcony, I opened the big glass window. Cold air hit my face instantly. For a few seconds, I felt relief. Just a little. But soon, my legs gave up and I slowly collapsed down onto the balcony floor. I sat there quietly, resting my head against the side of the window while another wave of cramps twisted inside me.
I stayed there for a long time. I do not even know how many times I cursed myself for being a girl during those hours. “Please, God… I beg you. Make me a guy in my next life.” That thought kept repeating in my head again and again.
But apart from all this pain, there was still one good thing about today. In the evening, Paasha texted in our group that she is coming back to Mumbai on 25th May. And somehow, that message made me smile. It has been months since she left for Kolkata to pursue her doctor studies. The group had felt quieter without her. So hearing that she is finally returning to Mumbai for vacation made me unexpectedly happy.
After all those painful hours, that small message felt comforting. I suddenly started wondering, “What should I gift her when we meet?”
20 May 2026 (Wednesday) : One of Those Quiet Days
Today was my third day of periods. And honestly, my whole body felt drained. I spent almost the entire day lying on my bed. Not because I wanted to be lazy, but because I genuinely had no energy left inside me. Even small things felt heavy today. My body felt weak, slow, and tired in a way I cannot properly explain.
I kept thinking I should at least do something productive. But every time I tried to get up, my body immediately asked me to lie down again. So in the end, I did nothing. And strangely… that made me feel guilty too.
I think that is the worst part sometimes. Not just the physical weakness, but the feeling that the whole day disappeared without me doing anything meaningful. Hours kept passing while I stayed in the same position, staring at the ceiling, scrolling mindlessly on my phone, or simply closing my eyes.
21 May 2026 (Thursday) : A Long Day of PG Admission
My whole day was spent at college today. I finally took admission for PG.
After all the chaos and exhaustion of fourth year, pursuing MSc in Biotechnology in the same college where I completed my graduation strangely felt like the safest option. Familiar classrooms, familiar corridors, familiar people.
Honestly, I thought the process would be simple. Submit the required documents. Fill the admission form. Pay the fees. Return home early. That was the plan. But almost the entire day disappeared because of one thing — Mumbai University registration. The website was painfully slow. Every page took forever to load, and to make things worse, we were filling the form on a mobile instead of a laptop. Every few minutes, the page would freeze or stop responding completely.
At first, I quietly blamed myself for everything, “I should have completed this step earlier.” That thought kept repeating in my head again and again. But later, I realized maybe it was not entirely my fault. There was a guy sitting near us with his mother. After staying stuck there for so long, I finally gathered enough courage to ask him about his admission process. It turned out he was also there for PG admission, and surprisingly, he had completed his graduation from the same college as mine. When I asked further, he told me he was stuck for the exact same reason… Mumbai University registration. That website was testing everyone’s patience equally.
Morning slowly turned into afternoon while we sat there refreshing the same page again and again like our life depended on it. At one point, I completely gave up. I quietly told my brother, “Let’s come tomorrow.” But he immediately told me in an irritated tone to stop talking. After that, I kept my mouth shut. I could tell he was frustrated because of the website issues, and somewhere inside me, I accepted all the blame again. He had taken a day off from his college and even missed his MBA class just to come with me because my parents were at work. Meanwhile, I had spent the past few days lying in bed, cursing my periods and weakness instead of completing this process earlier. So maybe he had every right to be irritated.
Finally, after hours of suffering, the registration process was completed. The moment it was done, my brother immediately got up and told me to stay there while he went to take the printouts. I quietly said, “I’ll come with you.”
But he shut me up again, “Just sit there and wait. You are on your monthly days.”
That sentence made me pause for a second. I softly told him that it was already my fourth day and the bleeding was less now, so I was okay. But he ignored me completely and walked away while telling me to arrange all the documents properly in order. I did not argue further. I just sat there quietly and organized everything the way he asked. While waiting, I noticed that the guy and his mother were no longer there. Maybe they had completed their process and left already.
Soon, my brother returned, and we headed toward the admission cell. After that, things moved smoothly. We submitted all the documents, paid the fees, and finally one of the faculty from the admission cell added me into the MSc Biotechnology group. And just like that, my PG admission was done.
When we finally stepped outside the college gate, my brother suddenly placed his hand on my shoulder and asked with a smile, “Do you want to eat something? Something spicy maybe? Are you craving anything?”
I immediately removed his hand from my shoulder and walked ahead while saying, “No. Let’s just go home quickly.”
I could sense his confusion behind me. A few minutes ago, he was irritated and frustrated because of the website. But now, it felt like he had returned to his normal self again. He kept asking me to eat something. I did not want to eat anything. But then I thought maybe he was hungry after spending the whole day running around because of me. So in the end, we ate something light before leaving. For a brief moment, I remembered about my medicines. But I quickly pushed the thought away and focused on eating instead. Right now, I just did not want to think about anything else.
On the way back home, I texted our group that I had taken admission for PG and shared the whole process along with the required documents. Within minutes, the group was flooded with questions. I started replying one by one. To Mice. To Tissue. Apparently, our group only has four members — Me, Tissue, Mice, and Dragon. Tissue and Mice were online, but Dragon seemed offline as usual. Seeing me typing continuously, my brother casually told me, “If your friends have doubts regarding the PG admission process, help them properly.”
I quickly nodded.
And somehow, the whole day passed like this. When I finally returned home, all the exhaustion hit me together. My whole body felt weak. So I spent the rest of the day lying in bed. I did not do anything else.
22 May 2026 (Friday) : A Quiet Evening
Today felt slow.
I slept in the afternoon and woke up in the evening. For a few seconds after opening my eyes, I just stayed there quietly, staring at the ceiling while the orange evening light slowly filled the room. My body still felt heavy from the past few days, so getting out of bed did not feel important.
After waking up, I checked my phone lazily, expecting nothing special. That was when I saw messages from Mice. She was confused about the Mumbai University registration form for PG admission and had some doubts related to the process.
So, I helped her. It was nothing huge, honestly. Just small doubts and form-related confusion.
23 May 2026 (Saturday) : I saw a dream again
This morning, I had a dream again. But unlike before, this one was not intense or frightening. It felt strange in a way I still cannot explain. And the weirdest part was that this time, I was not even aware that I was dreaming. Everything felt real.
In the dream, I was dropping a girl at her house. I recognized her immediately because she was someone I studied with in class 12th. In reality, she never lived in the locality I saw in the dream, which made things even stranger later when I woke up. What I remember about her most is not Jr. college, but something personal she once shared with me. She told me how her mother was forcing her to see a therapist because her mother thought she was depressed. Maybe that is why seeing her in my dream felt oddly emotional, even if we were doing nothing important.
The locality itself felt familiar too. It looked like the place where I spent my earliest childhood years, maybe until I was six or seven before we shifted somewhere else. The strange thing is I do not even remember that locality properly in real life. My memories of that place are incomplete and blurry, almost like broken pieces. Still, in the dream, I somehow knew every road.
After dropping her, rain suddenly started pouring. I turned back, but not toward the girl. Instead, I went toward a small building that looked more like a chawl than an apartment. Somehow, in the dream, I knew my apartment was on the second floor. But instead of going upstairs, I asked the people living on the ground floor for help. They quietly handed me a raincoat. I wore it and left again.
And then suddenly, everything shifted. Dreams are strange like that. One moment you are walking, and the next moment you are somewhere else without questioning anything.
Before I realized it, I was riding a bicycle. That part still feels weird to me because I have not touched a cycle in years. But in the dream, I was cycling through roads I somehow recognized. I clearly remember the turns, the empty streets, the silence of the locality. There were only a few people around, strangers whose faces I did not know.
And then I saw him. I do not know why, but the moment my eyes landed on that person, something inside me paused. He was a guy in his early twenties. And strangely… he looked familiar. I couldn’t recognize him properly. Not exactly identical, but enough to feel unsettling. This time, the face was not blurry like dreams usually are. I could see him clearly. But no matter how much I try now, I cannot recognize who he was. Still, deep down, while dreaming, I remember wondering, “Who is this guy?”
Before I could think more, something else happened. A little girl suddenly got hit by a car and fell onto the road. Without even thinking, my body moved on its own. I immediately dropped my cycle and ran toward her. I checked her carefully, but there was no visible injury.
The car driver came out looking panicked. Before anyone else could gather there, I told him to leave, “She is okay. There is no injury. Go before people catch you.”
And he left. But then, something else caught my attention. That same guy approached me. He looked at me and asked quietly, “Is the girl really okay? There is really no injury?”
I checked again carefully. But nothing looked wrong. So I let the little girl go. And then suddenly… I felt someone standing behind me. Before I could turn around, I felt arms wrapping around me from behind. It was him. His chin rested lightly on my shoulder. And at that exact moment… I woke up.
For a few seconds after waking up, I just lay there quietly, staring at nothing. The dream made absolutely no sense. What even was that? A back hug? Or something else entirely? And the strangest thing is, the moment I woke up, I forgot his face completely. I could not remember how he looked anymore. Even the little girl’s face disappeared from my memory within seconds. Everything faded too quickly. Only the feeling remained.
And another thing that keeps bothering me is the bicycle. Why was I riding a cycle in the dream when I have not ridden one in years? Maybe because somewhere deep inside, my mind still remembers that childhood accident. When I was young, I got badly injured near my ankle because of a bicycle accident caused by someone’s irresponsibility. I remember being unable to walk properly afterward and staying on bed rest for weeks. That injury left a scar on my body. Even today, the scar is still there and I hate it. It feels like the ugliest mark on my body. Sometimes, when I notice it accidentally, I still feel angry thinking about how carelessness caused it.
Maybe that is why waking up from this dream felt so strange. It brought back forgotten roads, forgotten feelings, old scars, and a face I cannot even remember anymore. Especially, who the hell was that guy? Sometimes I wonder if dreams are really meaningless… or if they quietly collect pieces of our memories, fears, loneliness, and emotions, then return them to us in strange forms while we sleep.
24 May 2026 (Sunday) : A Book, a Closed Hospital, and Thoughts I Shouldn’t Say Out Loud
Today, I went to Seawoods with my brother, Gaajar.
At first, the plan sounded simple. I wanted to buy a book. But honestly, that was not the only reason I went out today. My medicines had finished, so I also needed to visit the hospital. Lately, my body has been feeling weak, especially during my periods. And somewhere in my mind, a quiet fear had been growing continuously, “What if these medicines are affecting my menstrual cycle?” I wanted to ask the doctor properly today. I had already prepared those questions in my head while leaving home. Even though I usually stay quiet during hospital visits, there are some worries that keep becoming louder inside your mind until you finally decide to ask for help.
But unfortunately, when we reached there, the hospital was closed. The disappointment instantly ruined my mood. It felt like the entire trip became pointless. In the end, the only thing I managed to do today was buy a book. Which means I now have to revisit the hospital tomorrow because my medicines are completely over.
The thought itself exhausted me. I am so tired of hospital visits now. The smell of hospitals alone makes me uncomfortable. That strange mix of medicines, sanitizer, silence, and sickness… I hate it. Every time I enter a hospital, my body feels restless before my mind even reacts. Maybe some places silently carry emotions inside them. For me, hospitals carry fear.
By the time night came, I was already frustrated and mentally drained. But then something strange happened. My mood suddenly shifted. Without even realizing it, I started mumbling negative things quietly to myself.
“One day, I will surely die.”
“I am literally living on medicines.”
“I will die without my medicines…”
The words kept slipping out on their own before I could stop them. I do not even know why I was saying such things. Maybe when a person keeps taking medicines for too long, they slowly start feeling dependent on them emotionally too. But before I continued further, my brother suddenly told me to shut up and stop saying things like that. So I stopped. Not because I fully agreed with him… but because hearing those thoughts out loud suddenly made me realize how dark they sounded.
After that, I quietly ignored the whole conversation. But deep down, I think I understood something today. We need to be careful with the things we repeatedly tell ourselves. Because even quiet thoughts slowly become beliefs if we let them stay too long.
This week finally marked the end of my periods and those five days felt exhausting. The entire week passed in body pain, weakness, cramps, and that constant tired feeling which quietly drains all energy from you. Even small things felt difficult. Sitting too long hurts. Walking too much hurts. Sleeping was uncomfortable. It was one of those weeks where the body keeps reminding you that no matter how much work is waiting, you are still human.
But even in the middle of all that pain, one important thing happened. I took admission for my PG — MSc. in Biotechnology. That moment stood out from the entire week. It felt strange. While my body was completely exhausted, another part of my life was moving forward at the same time.
Apart from this, something else stayed in my mind the whole week. My mother took leave from her work and instead of resting herself, she spent her time making sure I rested properly. She did not let me do any household work at all. Every time I tried to help, she stopped me immediately and told me to rest well. At first, I kept insisting, “I can do it. Let me help.” But she simply refused every single time.
That made me feel guilty. Because in my mind, she was the one who deserved rest more than me. She works every day, handles responsibilities quietly, and still worries about everyone else first. So watching her take a day off only to care for me made my chest feel a little heavy. I kept thinking, “She should be resting… not taking care of me.” But after arguing again and again, I eventually gave up.
So this week was painful. My body suffered a lot.
