Weekly Diary : Week 43

30 March 2026 (Monday) : Not Everything Needs a Yes

Today was my second day. And the first thing I did was go back to my usual pads. I didn’t even think much this time. Yesterday, I tried the new one my mother brought. It wasn’t bad. My mother and sister both found it comfortable. But for me… something just didn’t feel right. So today, I quietly chose what I was already used to. And somehow, that felt better. Sometimes comfort isn’t about what’s better for everyone. It’s about what feels right for me.

Later, Tissue texted me. The moment I read her message, I could feel her frustration through the screen. She said she got a message again—to edit the Bioinformatics Research project and send it again. Round 1 results were already declared, and she had passed. Still, they were asking for more edits because publishing was compulsory. I could almost imagine her expression while typing. Annoyed, tired and done with it. I didn’t say it directly… but I knew where things went wrong. If something already feels like a burden, why step deeper into it? If she hadn’t sent her draft in the first place… maybe they wouldn’t have followed up like this.

I realized something at that moment. I had made a quiet decision earlier. I knew I didn’t want to publish my Bioinformatics project. So I kept things minimal. Just basic editing, uploaded it in the classroom, and stopped there. Even when my mentor told me to keep it ready… I didn’t send it. And now, I didn’t get any message. No follow-ups. No pressure. But Tissue and Mice did. Because they took that extra step. It wasn’t about being right or wrong. It was about understanding where to stop. Sometimes, saying “yes” once leads to more expectations. And sometimes, staying quiet… is also a choice.

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31 March 2026 (Tuesday) : The Weight of the Day, The Light of a Thought

Today was the third day of my periods and it was… exhausting. The flow was heavy. I had to change pads twice during the day because it leaked and stained. It felt uncomfortable, messy, and honestly… irritating. By night, I changed again before sleeping, just like I always do. My whole body felt tired. My mood kept shifting. Small things were enough to irritate me. At one point, I even caught myself thinking—I wish I was a guy. No pain, no constant checking. No discomfort like this. But then again… it was just a passing thought. The whole day felt slow and heavy.

But in between all of this, something small happened. Tissue casually started talking about her braces. At first, I didn’t understand why she was telling me all this out of nowhere. Then she reminded me—that I was the one who asked her about it on the day of the exam. I paused. Because honestly… I don’t remember asking. I didn’t even remember that moment. But she did. And she continued sharing her story—about her braces, her experience, everything. I just listened.

Then the conversation shifted. Without warning, she said something that made me stop thinking for a moment. She said that I make people feel comfortable… that’s why they are able to share things with me so easily. I didn’t reply immediately. Because I didn’t know what to say. Is that really true? I never try to do anything special. I don’t give advice most of the time. I don’t even speak much. I just… listen.

Today was physically draining. Irritating. Uncomfortable. But in the middle of all that, one simple sentence made me question something about myself.

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01 April 2026 (Wednesday) :

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02 April 2026 (Thursday) : A Dream I Didn’t Want to See

“If I know it’s just a dream… Why does it still feel so real?” I woke up with that question sitting quietly in my chest.

This morning, I had another dream. It started in darkness. Not complete darkness, but that kind where it feels like evening or late night. There were people… a bunch of them. I couldn’t see their faces clearly, but I could feel their presence. They were beating someone. I couldn’t see who that person was. They had formed a circle around them, hiding everything inside it. I stood there, just watching. I didn’t move. I just… witnessed it.

And then suddenly, everything changed. The surroundings shifted. It felt like someone’s home now. Almost normal. And in the middle of it, there was a small puppy. It was cute and innocently playing here and there. Without thinking, my legs started moving toward it. Slowly like I was being pulled. But then… something felt off. The puppy started behaving strangely. I stopped on the way. And the next moment—It vomited. I froze. And in that exact second, I became aware. This is a dream. I knew it. I could feel it clearly. And I knew I had to wake up. Because what I saw next… I didn’t want to see. The puppy wasn’t vomiting food. It was vomiting body parts, hands, legs.

My mind connected everything instantly. Those people… the one they were beating… They fed that person to this dog. A cold feeling ran through me. And then came the red liquid… Blood. It started pouring out of the puppy’s mouth.

That was enough. “I need to wake up.” I forced myself. Pushed against that invisible weight of sleep. And suddenly, I jolted awake. I sat up immediately. My breathing felt uneven. My eyes moved around the room, trying to confirm where I was. I reached for my phone. It was around 6:30 am. I was relieved. Because I didn’t know how worse that dream could have gotten. My hand moved to my neck on its own. I felt uneasy… like I might vomit. My chest felt heavy. I got up and went to the washroom. But nothing happened. No vomiting. Just the feeling.

I stood there, looking at myself, trying to understand. What was that? I knew it wasn’t real. I knew it was just a dream. And yet… The images. The feeling. That heaviness. I didn’t want to see something like that again. But this wasn’t the first time. And that’s what disturbed me more.